i really want to fuck you, so bad. 

when i first joined tumblr, i was a regular blog and then i got extremely depressed and made a suicide blog, i was seriously ready to kill myself. i didn’t (obviously) but then one day i watched this movie and decided i wanted to lose weight. i became a fitblr and everything was good. i was eating healthy and exercising and losing weight. i shamed ana and mia blogs because i mean look at what they were doing. they were making people harm their bodies. giving them tips on how to practically kill themselves. it was just heart breaking but as i looked at the FITBLR posts, they seemed kind of similar to ana/mia posts. don’t eat this, you can only eat this much. you HAVE to exercise. drink water to fill yourself up between each bite. each slow so that you can fill up quicker. and you read these and you’re like yeah this will help me achieve my goal. but even having a set weight goal is just mentally inflicting. all those little tips to lose weight only fuck you up mentally. that’s one of the main reasons i stopped being a fitblr. because i am so completely fucked up from it. i can’t eat anything without feeling GUILTY for eating. “just eat in moderation” fuck that, for the longest time i restricted myself from “bad” food and look at where i am now, i binged on them so bad and i’ve gained about 10 pounds back. but still in the back of my mind i feel guilty about every god damn calorie i’ve ever eaten. losing weight with a tumblr made me feel like i had an eating disorder. i hate that i have allowed myself to get to this state of mind and body.. 

i’ve been wanting to get this off my chest, and truly do not give even half a shit if you disagree or anything. this is how i feel and you are not me. 

i’m all in my feelings tonight and i hate that 

they’re stopping me from doing work 

and i just want to sit here and cry until i have no tears left

at least my friends are supportive 

sigh.. 

i found working links to insanity ;) 

if anyone needs them, message me me and i will be more than glad to give them to you!! 

i was gonna start tomorrow but i wanted my rest day on friday :) 

so i was technically supposed to start yesterday but i didn’t think about having my rest day on friday until this morning so i’m going to do the first two days today since it’s a fit test and something else (not sure, haven’t looked at the schedule) 

it’s my third time starting this and i’m a little scared because the last time i did insanity, i hurt my back…. so hopefully i don’t injure myself again! 

wish me luck :) 

so excited that MOTM III comes out tuesday!!!!! 

i

or know someone that may? i wanna do insanity all over again!!
i’d really appreciate it